Different Thoughts

I haven't cried in a couple of days now. I sometimes wonder if something is wrong with me.
The nurse was asking Jen and I some questions today to finalize our plans for this week, and she looked at us and said..."You two seem to be taking it well, or is this just an act?" I didn't know what to say, I guess that it would have been a great opportunity to explain about the hope that is in us...But I just stood there...looked at my wife...and we both kinda smiled.
It is hard..and it is going to get harder...but God is with us, and we will be alright, and our Anarazell will be perfect soon...so everything is going to be ok...
Jen and I started a tradition with our Isabella a long time ago. Before we tuck her in at night, we sing her two songs, and pray with her. We sing songs that I learned as a kid...ones with lots of hand motions and things like that. It is a fun thing to do as a family. The other night, Jen and I decided to sing to Anarazell before we went home. So we started to sing the familiar song, "He's got the whole world in His hands". We got to the verse about the "little bitty baby" and we broke down. Then we started to sing,
"My God is so Great,
So strong and so mighty,
There's nothing my God can not do"
Hmmmm.
Jesus Loves me...
So different when we are singing it to our baby whose time here on earth will soon be over, and when we are just singing our 2 year old to sleep.
Our Gos IS so great.
He DOES have the babies in his hands.
Jesus DOES love me.

Alright enough for now.
All of our family is leaving tomorow, except for Jen's mom, who will stay until, whenever, to be with Jen.
It was good to visit and just sit and talk to family. Sad that it was so short.
I will especially miss my twin. Of all the people that I talk to, (except my wife), Jeremy knows me the best. We have chosen to walk different road here on earth, but we have always kept in touch and have always been there for each other. It was good to just hang out with him and talk through some stuff. I love you, Bro

More Pictures...

Jen was excited to see that Anarazell's hair gets curly when it gets wet...just like her big sisters.

We got out one night and walked around the "open house" at the Bible School. Here is Isabella decorating a cookie.

Me in the middle, my twin, Jeremy on my right and Jen's Brother, Brian on my left. All looking at the little girl. I wonder what different thoughts are going through each of our heads?

Day 10

Today our families met with the doctors. Nothing has changed, but they had some questions that I couln't answer. Last week when Jen and I had a meeting with them, I don't remember much past the point when they said that all babies with this type of condition have died. So, it was good to have the families here to get things clear in their mind.
One thing that was a bit different, is that they are leaning toward the idea that there could be a one in four chance that this will happen again. 25% chance. Not good odds for our future family.
So far, it looks like Isabella will be a only child. It still isn't a total fact, but it "looks" that way right now.
Pretty weird. The odds that Jen and I would both have this certain "resessive gene" and both pass it on to our child are so great...but it happened, and we aren't willing to risk it again.
Please be praying for Jen in this. She has wanted nohting more in her life then to be a mommy, and to have this taken away from her in this way...it will be hard. We thank God that we have Isabella. It would be much harder if Anarazell was our first child...
Pretty tired and stressed today. Trying to learn to let God have control in every aspect of our lives...in othe things, including the life of our daughter...

Song to the Lord

God never moves, without purpose or plan,
When trying a servent or molding a man.
Give thanks to the Lord, though your testing seems long,
In darkness He giveth a song.

Oh rejoice in the Lord,
He makes no mistakes,
He knoweth the end of each path that I take,
For when I am tried and purified,
I shall come forth as gold.

I could not see through the shadows ahead,
So I looked at the face of my Saviour instead,
I bowed to the will if the master that day,
And peace came and tears fled away.

Oh Rejoice in the Lord...

Now I can see, testing comes from above,
God chasens His children, and purges in love,
My Father knows best, and I trust in His care,
Through purging more fruit I will bear.


Oh Rejoice in the Lord...
-Ron Hamilton


Dear God, we sing this song, knowing that what you do is good, and just and true. We don't always feel what we are saying in this song, but we sing it in faith.

Reaching Overwhelmed...

...or did we past that point some time ago?
Family is making their appearance now. Jen's mom and dad came yesterday, her brother is on his way today, three of my family will come tomorrow. While it will be good to see everyone, it is different since we aren't at our own house, and they are all staying at different places, and our schedual gets moved around alot...Good but stressful. We miss just coming in and sitting with our Anarazell and just talking to her. Now the room is always full, pictures are being taken like crazy. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I wish they all weren't here, it is just different.
Next week is coming up quick. All kinds of issues are running through my head. When can the family sit down with the doctors and ask their questions? When should we have our "going away" party? When should Jen and I come in and let our baby go home? Who do we ask to drive us to the hospital...wait for us...and take us home after she is gone? How do you ask someone to do that?
And then the big question...what then?
Jen asked when were we going home, and I asked, "Where is home"?
Our family and alot of church family is in S.Oregon, but we haven't lived there for over 5 years now. We loved our time in Eastern Oregon, but what is there for us now? We have a church family just over the border in Idaho...but we have never lived there...We have only been in Missouri for a few monthes now, so even though most of our stuff is there, we don't consider it home.
I guess it is too early yet...It is hard to make plans for dinner, let alone for that far in advanced.
So all we have settled on so far is staying at the house we are at through Christmas break...and see what happens from there.
Lord willing in the next month or so we will get some direction on what future plans hold...
I am assuming that life continues to go on...I just don't know how.
Just something else for everyone to pray for...

Beautiful Ladies...

She was all dressed up when we came to visit her yesterday. Her nurses are great in doing little thing like this...

Jen's parents came to meet the baby.

What we usually look like when the end of the day comes. We had Isabella with us for the first night in a couple days, so we took her to bed to "snuggle" a bit...

Different Focus

Writing is good for me. I am finding that it is one of the ways that I am dealing with this grief. But I notice that depending on the time that I sit down to write, different aspects are in focus. At night, especially just after we come home from the NICU, I usually focus on how we are feeling and what this event is doing to us inside, emotionally. During the day I am a bit more composed and can focus more on what God is doing in us and through others. Not that the pain is gone, but I can see through it better...
So, when I get a chance I want to talk a bit about how God is working in and through others.
The first thing that I want to mention is the love and prayer that we are recieving. We are amazed, shocked and sometimes overwhelmed at the amount of people who have been praying for us, calling us, sending us gifts and cards, e-mailing us and commenting on our blog. It is amazing how the Body of Christ works.
We are staying with a couple that we have never meeet before this week. Tom and Grace have given us a cell phone to use, the keys to their house, money for stuff and comfort beyond belief...to someone who they didn't know, but needed help. When we found out our baby wasn't going to make it, no one from our family was in town, but this couple along with Brian and Julie, (who have been watching our daughter everyday) and Kathy, (whose house we were supposed to have Anarazell at) all came and just loved us. Talked, read the Bible, brought food and coffee and held our baby. It was like we had known them all our whole lives and it was the most natural thing to have them there with us.
We got a message on our voice mail the other day from a couple who are complete strangers and have lived through the NICU life and just "happened" to come acrossed our blog...(maybe God's work here?) and called us to say that they are praying for us and if we need to talk, they are here. I was amazed that someone would have enough courage to call a complete stranger and tell them this, and then I recognized the area-code from Oregon... our home state! What are the odds that someone from home with the same experience as us right now would stumble acrossed our blog?
We have gotten money from people, that we know for a fact, have no money. We have been with some of these people in the training for several years now, and we know their financial state...and they are sending what they have to us. Amazing. A church that we have never been to sent us several hundred dollars. Never stepped foot in their door before.
What else...Calls, comment, prayers, e-mails, cards, money, food, a place to live...God is taking care of us. It is like He knows that we need to go through this, but He will make it as easy as possible.
Well, it is late, or early, depending on how you look at it. Tomorrow is a new day with tons of new challenges...
Just wanted to let everyone know that We see that God is in control, and just to encourage you a bit in this, as so many of you have encouraged us...

Worth a Thousand Words...

Anarazell

Look at the difference in our hands!

Isabella and her new "brother", Natey.

She has been seeing more of him then us these days.

Please keep her in your prayers about this.

The night we got the news that our baby girl would be going home, this is the "family" that came to comfort us.

It is a crazy story how we all got together over the years.

(sorry Kathy about the eyes, well get a better pic soon...)

Day 7

By tonight at 6:33 our Anarazell will be one week old.

I was spending some time with Isabella playing blocks today, and I started gently letting her know that our baby won't be coming home from the hospital. Of course you have the immediate questions.
Why? What's going to happen to her? Where is she going?
I know there are different theologys out there regarding infants and heaven, but I believe what I told my Isabella. That Anarazell will go to be with God, and sit on His lap. And then she won't be sick anymore.
She played a bit with me and asked some more questions, but she took it well...so far.
Jen went out with our friend Julie, the one at the birth, and they went shopping for clothes. Regardless of what happens, we want Isabella to meet Anarazell once on this earth. So the ladies got them matching outfits to wear together. They bought some other fun stuff, and I guess that we are starting to plan a good-bye party.

I am begging God that HE takes her home before I have to make a descision. I can't do that...I can't sit with my wife and hold my baby as she leaves.
Oh, God please...

Anarazell...Day 6

One by one, He took them from me,
All the things I valued most,
Until I was empty-handed,
Every glittering toy was lost.

Then I walked earth's highway greaving,
In my rags and poverty,
'Till I heard His voice inviting,
Lift your empty hands to me.

So I raised my hands t'ward heaven,
And He filled them with a store,
Of His own transendent riches,
'Till they could contain no more.

Then at last I comprehended,
In this stupid mind and dull,
That God could not poor His riches,
Into hands already full.

I heard this song when I was about ten, and it is the one that has been running through my head this whole week. When this all started...only six days ago now...I was talking to my pastor from S.Oregon and I mentioned that I have nothing else to give. My hands are empty. I said that all I have left is a life of a family member, and I wasn't ready to give that up.
Well, it looks like God thinks I am.
We meet with the docs today, and our beautiful Anarazell will never get better in this life. She can't breath, digest, hear, see or think. She is only kept alive by modern technology.
Our baby is going to go to heaven, and there is nothing I can do about it, but choose when.
I have known her for less then a week, and I feel like my heart is being torn out.
I didn't know it was possible to hurt so bad.