It is 12:30 in the morning. Jen and I just got home from the hospital. I just wanted to update a little before I go to bed.
We spent the morning with both our daughters at the hospital. It was so sweet to see Isabella holding her sister and wiping the bubbles off her mouth. She took that as her personal chore and did it consistantly all morning. She got to help sponge bathe Anarazell, hold her, dress her and take lots of pictures with her.
Isabella "knows" that her baby sister is going to die. I don't know to what extent she comprehends that...but she knows. She came to Jen today as we were all together and said,
"Our baby not die today...I like her."
Talk about tear your heart out...
Then we went back to our friends house, (Julie and Brian) and ate dinner and rested for a bit. Jen, her mom, (Patty) and I went back to the hospital to meet our friends there. It started snowing around 2 and by 6 the roads were crazy! Thankfully we made it safe and had a good time with all the folks that we had last Thursday.
Tom read from Psalms 139 and when I have time I will write those verses out and talk about how those were the perfect verses to read.
Everyone left after a few hours, and Jen and I stayed with our daughter until just a little while ago when we made it back home...(It is still snowing...)
Later on today...around 11AM Jen and I are heading back into the NICU for the last time.
The hospital will be the only home we will ever know for our baby. After much prayer from us and people around the world...we have decided that we are going to remove the life support from our daughter.
Her brain never developed totally, and short of a miracle in the next few hours it will never grow. She can't do anything on her own, and if we chose to leave her this way...she would die shortly from any number of things.
It struck me, as we figured out what time we would end up at the hospital tomorrow, that 11AM is exactly 2 weeks ago...to the hour...when we meet the mid-wife and the roller-coaster that has been our life recently started.
I can't imagine what it is going to be like to hold my baby...and watch her take her last breath...and I have to go throught it soon. I am still praying that God takes her and all we have to do is get a call...
In the morning I will try to post some pictures of the "party" with Isabella and Anarazell. They looked so beautiful together...
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11 comments:
Oh, our hearts are with you. I know that Gods peace passes all understanding and even though i cant say i know how you feel. I love you guys and pray for you daily.
Your friend
Angela D
I can't pretend to have any concept of what your talking about and my tears seem shallow and selfish.... but I can't do anything else and I'm so sorry.
Justin and Jennifer, We have been petitioning the throne of grace on your behalf and will continue to do so, especially today. It is so good to have a great God who walks with us and holds us through trials that can be so burdensome and heart-wrenching. What a hope we have in our Lord. Thank you for your example of resting in Him even though your hearts are hurting. We love you and are praying for you. Love, The Reeces
God loves you, and he loves Anarazell. Soon, he will be holding her in his arms - what a precious sight.
Thinking of you and praying for you all day today.
Love n hugs from your sis in Christ.
Justin and Jennifer, we can't imagine to be in your place right now, but God must have full confidence in you. May His peace be with you. We pray for you.
Thomas & Petra
I found a link to your blog on Baby Zone. I just want you to know that my thoughts and prayers and with you all.
Wow! We are praying for you today. What a day it is going to be. I couldn't even begin to imagine what you guys are feelng and experiencing....Our only resting spot is at the foot of the cross, knowing God is in control.
Tom, Tanya Victoria and Christy Robinson.
Justin and Jennifer;
We will be praying for you today as we have been the past 2 weeks. Our heart aches for you. I was reading Psalm 61 and thought of you guys.. Ps 61:1-2a "O God, listen to my cry! Hear my prayer! From the ends of the earth, I will cry to you for help, for my heart is overwhelmed...verse 3b "for you are my safe refuge". Praise Him that in all things He is your refuge!
Love the Porters!
Justin and Jennifer,
Im on babyzone and we on the christian families board have been praying for you. I want to tell you about my sister. The doctors said she should have never been alive when she was born. She cant walk, talk, or see, but she can hear. At numerous points in her life they said she would die, first "for sure by 6" then she would be "old by 12" and then when she was 15 she got really sick and was given a 0% chance of survival by every doctor, she had crashed so badly she was on complete life support. They gave her a private room for her to "die peacefully in." They took her off life support and w/ one of my parents on each side of her she gasped one breathe every 45 seconds for about an hour. My parents were literally biting her fingers to try to stimulate her to breathe! Ill have you know, the doctors were wrong!! My sister did a 180 there in that private room. My precious sister even turned 21 this past June!! I dont know what God's plan is for your daughter's, your beautiful daughter's, life, whether it be today or more than 20 years from now, but I do know that she is an inspiration and a blessing to so many, already, across the world. God is so good, He's so good to us. I pray that when your heart grieves that He fills you with His enduring love. I hope that God chooses to save your little girl, like he saved my sister. No matter what may happen, I pray that you are given hope and peace through all of this. My and so many others' prayers are with you right now!
My heart is absolutely weeping with you. I am so overwhelmed and share in your grief. I just pray that the Lord would get you through this.....its too much to bare on your own so don't. Please call upon the Lord when it becomes to difficult a task to handle.
Father;
In mercy please grant Justin and Jens request. And if you choose not to; please be glorified in that as well. Amen
I am in awe of your absolute faith. I am a Christian and I believe that God only does great things, but even I, blessed with so much in comparison, sometimes lose my faith. You and your family are an inspiration.
I am so sorry for the tragedy that's unfolding in your life. But I am truly stunned at what amazing people you are. God is with you, holding you in His loving arms as you let Him take your child home. God bless you.
As someone said above, all I have to offer are condolences given with no understanding of what you're truly feeling, and tears that can accomplish nothing but a release for myself. If only there was something I could do - if I could just go to you and hold your hand, or hug you, or just pray with you, I would do it in a moment. But all I have are these words and my blessings to you and your family.
Lord, watch over them, continue to have your arms around them as they struggle through this difficult time. Remind them that your love is infinite and that one day they will all be reunited again.
Amen.
God bless,
Jennifer
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