Since I have never lost a loved one before, (Jen and I both have all our parents and grand-parents and siblings, and all immediate family for that matter) I am not quite sure on how this grieving process works.
People, who have been here before, try to help, and I am very thankful for their imput, but this is something that you have to live through on your own...day by day.
Friday our Anarazell went to be with the Lord.
Less then a half an hour later Jen and I were walking out of the hospital and there would have been no way that you would have guessed what we had just been through had you seen us. It was bazaar. I looked at Jen and said, "There is no way that I could explain the peace that I am feeling right now."
And there isn't.
Is it "The peace that passes all understanding?"
Is it grace that is given when one of God's children have to go through a tribulation?
Is it both?
Whatever it is, it is a blessing. Jen and I can laugh together, we can talk about what we went/are going through. We even get out of bed in the morning...and welome the new day.
It isn't all easy. We aren't amazing people by any means.
Last night I was scanning the radio stations and I came across an "old time" radio show. Thinking it would be a break from the normal music that is played...I left it there. In less than 3 minutes of listening it was talking about a baby that was born dead.
Talk about blind-sided. Instant tears.
We have a long road ahead. We know that God is going to make it as easy as He can for us...but we are going to have to walk it.
Please pray for strength day by day, and that we keep looking to Him for that strength.
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6 comments:
Yea that kinda stuff is going to happen for a while.
I am sorry more than words can express over the loss of your baby.
Know that God does know what you are feeling, he lost His son too. . .
I admire you for standing strong in the Lord, and your humble aproach for healing. my prayers are with you
So glad to hear about the peace that you felt when you left the hospital, as that was my prayer for you. Praying for your daily strength!
Here is a poem that I wrote (Two months ago) 2 1/2 years after I went through the struggles of almost losing my son and saying goodbye to him. He did live yet it was a few years later when I was finally able to weep and allow the Lord to heal me from the wounds. I think I am still being healed and am not fully there yet. I had peace as I went through the storm and the Lord was faithful even though I didn't understand; but I really started struggling with it years later. And this was the poem that I wrote to express where my heart was and what I was feeling.
I hope this blesses you. It is funny because the hurricanes that hit the US were what triggered my weeping over my son.....isn't that weird? Because there is no common demoninator with those storms and my sons near death.
Below is what I posted on my blog that day. My son Tobias was born on May 13th 2003....and as you can see, this was written 10/4/2005.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
After the Rain
(I wrote this today. It is for two purposes. This poem is about what I have gone through with the struggles of almost losing my son two years ago. I am still trying to heal through that very harsh storm in my life. As well I am dedicating this poem to all those who have been effected by Hurricane Katrina and Rita. My prayers are with you...Bill Scott, Sr.)
After the Rain
Right after my storm; as the winds stopped and ceased
There was a great calm; as I sighed in relief
And though there is damage; from the previous rage
I can start a new chapter; and can turn a new page
But as the dust settles; and I clearly can see
I look through the rubble; though I would rather flee
Though all is destroyed; and there’s nothing but sand
I can still trust in my God; as He helps me to stand
As I survey the damage; and I calculate cost
The pain swells up in me; as I see all I’ve lost
Though I tremble in horror; and I ask the Lord why?
I know the Lord loves me; and it’s ok to cry.
It’s so overwhelming; as my emotions do flare
It’s easy to doubt; that my God really cares
And yes the storm passed; yet the fierce winds were real
It’s so hard to move on; as I struggle to heal
My eyes fill with water; my mouth gets all dry
My heart sinks in despair; as I long to die
My emotions, they hurt me; I hunger and thirst
My heart; it aches badly; I feel as if it will burst
The rain is now gone and the skies are now blue
Yet I still haven’t healed; from what I’ve gone through
And now time has passed; as life continues on
I still live in darkness; even though the night’s gone
I know this sounds gloomy; what else can I say?
The Lord will heal my heart; as I seek Him and pray?
My worst fears behind me; or that’s what they say
I once felt victorious; I now feel like prey
But all is not lost; though I feel that it is
For my heart isn’t mine, it is totally His
And my God is faithful; I’ll trust Him till I die
I will lift His name up; I will lift it up high
My God is my healer; he will one day heal me
And though I am now mourning; I will one day be free
For here is a truth; that I will try to explain
The Son always shines; even after the rain!
As Shenna's sister, I concur. Stay connected with the Lord right now as you are hurting and going through the grieving process not just day by day, but minute by minute. You sound very strong in the faith and the love you share as a couple will bolster your defenses even more. I will pray for you all as well...and I'm visiting Shenna for Christmas, so we'll pray together for you.
there is no "right way" for the grieving process to work. It is a unique experience for every individual. Even as a couple you will individually experience different ways of grieving. I am so happy that you are able to feel peace.
Those little moments of being blindsided will happen more often than you think. I will pray for you both - it really hurts when that happens, and it weakens you for a moment until you can regroup and conciously make peace all over again. until the next time.
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